Ugly Monkey

Now why did they not do this before - all this fuss about feeding - why did they not give me a bottle before? It is much easier - am now taking 53 of my 56mls by bottle - getting in training for pints of beer.

The horrid monsters are starting to talk about me being released - finally. The moment I get out of here those pesky cats are in for trouble - they have already been sleeping in my cot, chair and car seat - revenge is sweet....

This whole feeding idea is a farce - the monsters and horrid parents keep trying to make me work for my food - why should I? Are they trying to tell me that they keep pushing this tube up my nose to just torment me - or is it for food? My horrid mother is spending much more time with me now, but they still will not let me home until I start eating properly - I think I am in trouble.

The rest of the time I am now in solitary confinement - I have a huge ward all to myself, I do not know if that is because I am so bad and that they do not want me leading the other babies astray. Others do come in for a while, but they leave after a couple of days - my horrid father says it is because I smell, but mum says it is because they have worked out how to eat. Some babies are SO stupid - why bother - they feed you anyway.

I have finally had a proper bath this week - I do not expect to have to wait 4 weeks in between baths - do they think I am French? Not surprising my horrid father says - I smell what does he expect.

Have been weighed again this morning and am now 1.88Kg - still growing despite the continued hunger strike.

A quick update just to let everyone know that I am growing well and have put on 310g (nearly 10oz) in the last 7 days and now weigh 1.71Kg (3lb 12oz) - at this rate I will be needing new clothes!

E

The monsters have let me out of jail - the top is off and it will not be long before I can try and climb out of this thing. However the monsters have fitted me with a radio tracking device to make sure that I do not go too far. Some strage form of freedom! To make matters worse they they insist on wrapping me in so many layers that I cannot move my arms - this makes it very difficult to get the tube out of - but I still manage sometimes. The horrid parents still come and visit - they bring me food and toys, but they still wont take me home. I think it is because they think I will be mean to the animals (little do they know). They have now registered me, so I have a proper name now - Eva Jennifer. They keep bringing the camera, but someone has told me that it makes you fat if you look into it - I try my hardest to cover my face whenever it appears

I have grown more this week and hope to be allowed out soon for good behaviour

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Today the monsters removed the horrid sticky pads from my chest and took away the machines that go 'ping'. The red light on my foot has also gone and they now rely on a little sticker on my chest to tell them when I stop breathing. Have already worked out how to make this one go ping! Getting better at removing the tube up my nose - the monsters even removed the mittens that they stuck on with sticky tape yesterday. The horrid parents came and visited again today - they take me out of my plastic cell for a while, but they lock me back in when they leave. I must work out how to open the door. The monsters say that I have put on weight - which is very rude - but they say that I may be allowed to move out of the cell next weekend and into a cot. My neighbour has one of these and I am sure that I will be able to escape from this.

My horrid parents say I am going to be a red head

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22nd June - Have now mastered how to get this tube out - and can do this when ever I like - although the horrible monsters keep replacing it.

16th June - The second day I was allowed out of my plastic cube - Dad realises how ugly I am but Mum still has not noticed - will have to see how long I can keep up this pretence